trouble is nothing new for me

I’m not gonna lie, Los Angeles fucked me up last time.

Morgan Spurlock, who grew up along the same dirty river bank I did, invited me on his daytime talkshow debut. You’ll never see it, because he confessed to being a fucking mess a few months after we filmed it and right before he was going to start promoting the sequel to his most famous documentary. And quite honestly I almost respect him more for having the courage to be so raw and introspective than I did for selling out to tv only watched in waiting rooms.

 

But hours before we hugged on camera and sat on his couch for a staged conversation about honesty on social media, I had a panic attack in the hotel room that CBS shuttled me to with a private driver in a fucking Tesla because, somehow I get myself into these situations while everything I own is still locked up north in a box we built in the back of our fucking pickup truck. Still, I painted on my eyeliner in the morning all the same and all the makeup artist had to do was cover up the dark circles under my eyes from what she assumed was jetlag.

Like, the audience was paid for, and between takes there was a manager shouting into the microphone for everyone to stand up and cheer to win prizes, and it was like 100 degrees, and I wasn’t allowed to wear my black shirt and ripped jeans so I was wearing this awful floral jumpsuit, first of all. Then, the producer had a huge problem with the way I read lines they wrote about my life for the voice over, and asked me to read it again but ‘maybe when you’re talking about the sad parts of your life, sound ummm…. sad?’ like — okay. I just didn’t realize what I was signing up for and that there would be tissues and expectations of emotional bs.

I think maybe I was just so disillusioned by Hollywood after traveling the entire country, the stars in my eyes just exploded, and started this fire inside of me.

Between then and now, I kept myself busy totally fucking up things like an interview with tech-startup Automattic, chatting with the CEO of McCorporation via LinkedIn about my spontaneous and temporary idea of selling my soul to their regional marketing team, bathing in magnetic waves to measure my electric nerves, and busting out windows with my porcelain doll hands because I trusted a doctor who gave me a pill that stole months of my memories. Words were not enough anymore, and without my vocabulary, I couldn’t write.

I sold my camera the day we landed back in Seattle from LA, and only when I stepped away from the lens for awhile did I see how much of the picture wasn’t being captured. Experimenting with short form and poetry, I accidentally mastered and fell in love with the art of saying more with less. Learning to recreate the images in my mind, I found the freedom to translate body language and sensuality into self-expression. Entirely shutting down my blog, and my mind for that matter, allowed me to reconnect with myself and realize that I can preach authenticity til asphyxiation but I am lying through my teeth if I can’t be honest about the impact, and intensity, of my sexuality.

Only in a shattered mirror was I able to finally see how self-destructive I am. Struck by how beautiful all the broken pieces still were, I decided to put them back together.

So, I bought a new camera. And I’m over LA. And most importantly, all the fear.

// SO WHAT IS CONCEPTUAL ART AND WHY EROTICA?

Everything I have done in life has led me to this, and I want it to be perfectly clear that none of this is an accident. You can call it what you want, and take what you need, but please understand — that is how art works. As much as this was a choice, I made it on my own with very deep rooted reasons and a spark in my heart that will never die.

Sensuality, to me, is the core of our existence. In our most intimate moments, we are in our truest form, and all of the bullshit falls away. Navigating the dark waters of hell over the last year, I have become a very skilled escape artist. We can go anywhere with this tongue of mine and your hands on the wheel, and I’m always ready for an adventure.

For a decade down in Florida I lived a double fucking life, buttoning up my breasts and bending over backwards to meet impossible standards of beauty. Bouncing around each time I got bored, I was a barista at Starbucks, a yacht stewardess for celebrities, a party planner in south beach, a fucking HR director, and eventually, a suburban stay-at-home mom that sold stories about my life to hundreds of brands who would pay me to blog.

I left out the parts about my unfaithful, cocaine addict husband, and also the fact that I got everything I wanted with sex appeal. In between bubbly posts about my perfect, luxury family life, I also let strange men stick dollar bills in between my thighs at too many clubs, sold whips and vibrators in a feminist+lesbian-owned sex toy boutique, and carried on a secret relationship via text for more than ten years to cope with all my crushed dreams, until I ran away one day and showed up on his doorstep and then we got married in Vegas and now here we are, living a borderline fantasy in the Pacific Northwest. And trying not to fuck it all up.

There is no more time left on my clock for pretending. I have struggled for long enough with how to speak out and be my most genuine, natural self. The freedom I have found in opening up this channel of energy, in presenting myself as a whole, is worth every misunderstanding and every burnt bridge in my past. When I can’t find a release for all that builds up inside of me, I become a monster. Creativity comes from somewhere within, and I can’t control it, so by asking you to be my witness and participate in the art I create, I am coming full circle in more ways than you will ever know.

There will be NSFW content, yes, but no matter who you are or how we have met in this life, you are welcome to follow along as a reader with complete acceptance and without judgment. You will be respected here, and anyone who treats you otherwise will be ignored or banned. I have seen a lot of shit in life, and I appreciate the intricate chemistry of desire and what it can do. In fact, I kneel in awe of it, and anyone who is so comfortably fluid in their humanity that they radiate seduction for the sheer exhiliration of it all. We are no different than any other hedonistic society — we’ve just momentarily forgotten there is necessary value in pleasure. If my words and images stir emotion in you, or serve as a reminder to feel in some way, I will be satisfied.

And for those of you who have waited for me, thank you, it feels fucking fantastic to be back.

🖤

there will be time for details later

 

All I really want to do is lick my wounds.

Draw the curtains, curl up under the covers. I want to live in this, and wallow in it, and scream about it until my voice is gone. I want to bury these salty cheeks in the pillow and sob, eyes swollen, lungs shaking as they empty and beg for air and struggle to do it all over again.

Honestly, some days, I am not sure whether I will make it out of this waiting alive.

Do you ever fantasize about running away from everything?

How many times a day? Have you thought about who would miss you? I bet you know who you would take with you. A split second, flash across your mind, those eyes — see, you already know.

How many times a day do you want it?

There is so little stopping you, when it comes down to it. A packed bag, a plane ticket. There are people to help you change your name, and find your happiness. Spin the globe, pick a spot, put your past behind you. We only have so many days. We only have so many moments and all that pressure you keep up in that head, the guilt you carry in your heart, all that worry of never having lived a full life will make you fat, and fuck up your spine, and push away all your friends.

It used to be the strangest thing to me when some of you would ask me in feverish tones to please never stop writing. I wonder now how obvious it was that my mind was about to shatter into ten billion beautiful fucking fragments.

By the way, if you’re new here, god damn you fell into this at a weird time.

🖤

100 solid reasons to start a blog in 2018

 

 

1. To have an outlet.

2. To serve as a platform for social change.

3. Creative productivity is good for the soul.

4. To use skills you are damn good at.

5. Other people can learn and grow from your experiences.

6. Connecting with strangers is rewarding.

7. Writing is cathartic and releases energy.

8. You can add value to the lives of others.

9. Humanizing art makes it accessible.

10. Traditional media is fragmented and frankly, broken.

11. Corporations tried to blog and failed.

12. Storytelling is the most powerful tool and we are all born with it.

13. Blogging allows for short form and long form expression, no character limits.

14. Social media algorithms suck; getting emails from subscribers doesn’t.

15. Writing is a better vice than your others.

16. It will strengthen your relationship with yourself.

17. Everyone could use another witness.

18. There are people out there who care.

19. It’s better to collect words than things.

20. The internet is starving for authenticity.

21. Powerful thoughts can change the world, and we need change.

22. To translate universal emotions into modern literature.

23. When you put yourself out there, doors you didn’t even see can swing wide open.

24. If they steal our data anyway…might as well set the story straight?

25. Blogging allows for the self-expression of social media without the feed envy.

26. Nobody says you have to do it their way, anyway.

27. Be an active content creator. Be that 1%.

28. Writing is a career that allows for more work life balance if you manage time well.

29. To constantly fuel your motivation.

30. Somebody needs to destroy the culture of perfectionism. Just one real voice.

31.  Creativity is the most valuable asset.

32. You control the level of filter on your blog.

33. To use that beautiful vocabulary that’s rotting away where you filed your dreams.

34. Our society does not provide the amount of stimulating social interactions you need.

35. Your words can improve the lives of others, and act as a catalyst for positivity.

36. There is a soul out there who needs to relate to someone like you, more than you will ever know or understand.

37. Serving others generates good karma.

38. You can volunteer your time and donate your work to helping a good cause.

39. Everyone has something to sell. Have something to say.

40. The world needs more artistic healing.

41. It really doesn’t matter what they think.

42. Empathy is the only currency that multiplies each time it is exchanged.

43. Sometimes, the only way to get through is to talk yourself out.

44. You spend $5 on coffee and $10 on netflix you don’t watch, so…you can buy hosting.

45. The expansion of your worldview, when you connect globally, will blow your mind.

46. Anyone can point out the problems of bloggers being fake. Do something better.

47. Even in the year of the bots, we don’t need statistics to know people only trust other people. Transparency earns trust.

48. Everyone enjoys a good read. Write one.

49. Apparently the media, and most people over 35, are terribly confused about adult millennials and the children we are raising.
Find the value of ‘y’, show your work.

50. Like it or not, you are an authority that younger generations look to for hope.

51. Nobody needs another e-course on how to sell an e-course about selling e-courses.

52. Maybe you’ll actually write a book.

53. If you’re gonna talk the talk, you should probably walk the walk already.

54. Your phone is filled with original photos.

55. There are enough critics and you have learned that lesson the hard way. Be better.

56. Making your opinion public is a healthy way to align yourself with your community.

57. Being an active supporter of your beliefs can encourage others to take action.

58. If you plant seeds with your thoughts, you can decide which you allow to blossom.

59. You’ll be surprised at what may grow wild.

60. Time spent recording the human experience is never time wasted.

61. To challenge the status quo.

62. You already know what to call it, if you think about it. You can buy the domain fast.

63. Writing daily will inspire adventures.

64. Life is too short.

65. In a temporary culture, you can have a permanent impact with honest words.

66. Selling your story to someone else diminishes the integrity of it.

67. Most rules can be bent, if not broken. We create unnecessary limits.

68. Because you want to.

69. Your passion can ignite a tiny spark behind the eyes that can burn for eternity.

70. Blogging allows you to create your own work environment and can reduce your carbon footprint vs. an office commute.

71. You can only be what you are.

72. Minimizing stress and improving your wellbeing can become priorities.

73. To promote tolerance and equality for all.

74. None of it matters without the love.

75. Creating written memories is a gift.

76. A blog lets you to gravitate towards what genuinely excites you, over and over.

77. Your writing space will become breathing space, and you could use a deep breath.

78. Everyone has a camera, not everyone has your eye for detail and design.

79. To have the freedom to travel on a whim.

80. You are a million times more likely to regret the fear than the failure.

81. Pen to paper is the best form of therapy.

82. The internet can be an interesting mirror.

83. Documenting progress towards goals will become a second-nature habit.

84. There has never been a better time to be an artist, and technology keeps improving.

85. You need the space to fully express yourself with all the tools you have.

86. The chance to open minds through art is precious and not to be wasted.

87. To watch your words and thoughts reach further than you have traveled is incredibly humbling and reminds you humanity is universal.

88. Why the fuck not?

89. Souls like yours do best when connected with others on the same vibes.

90. It’s about damn time, honestly.

91. The energy has to be released somewhere. You have to let it all go.

92. You are unafraid of pushing the limits and you are never hesitant to work hard.

93. Happiness can be immeasurable when you have creative freedom.

94. What else are you going to do with your life this year?

95. Censorship is overkill everywhere, unless you own your original content.

96. If there is anything you have mastered in life, it’s working with what ya got.

97. There are a few things you need to say.

98. You didn’t come this far to give up now.

99. It will change you.

100. People who wear their hearts on their sleeve are the best kind.

🖤

all we ever want is more

This is what happens, you know.

You teach your mind to forget, and what else can you expect?

A lifetime of frantically putting out fires before they reach your eyes, you got what you wished for, really.

But let’s label it with a few more uppercase alphabet letters, put another pill under your tongue. The first one tried to make you numb, anyway. Sadness isn’t your problem. See, you don’t need to fight any demons.

You’ve made friends with them. Creative and sensual, at least they are more exciting than most people in your life.

No, you don’t need help being happy. You know how to get there.
It’s just never, ever enough.

Still, you try. To feel that rush, to feel alive.
Despite the flaws of whoever wired your brain, you try.

How many hearts have you broken? How many times have you run away?

It’s attractive at first, the never-ending thirst for life.
You are electric and insatiable. And for a moment, deliciously lit up.

But there’s never enough voltage, and it’s never a fair game.

You are never satisfied. It’s true.

And it’s not even your fault, they say. Blame it on the chemistry, that elusive and seductive little word that’s always been on the tip of your tongue.

What a cruel trick.

The girl who never wanted to remember became the girl who can’t.
Constantly starving for stimulation, searching for something more, because she can’t remember
what that feels like past the moment it disappears.

And it’s not even real, you know. Everyone thinks you are a liar.
It’s all in your mind, they say in doubt.

If only they could see that they are right. It is all in your mind.

An entire underwater city of beautiful, sparkling lights
surviving on a short circuit,
getting by only on glimpses of starlight and
those moments that the tide
overflows onto paper…

..like this.