How many walls are in this room?
Ok, can you tell me what colors do you see in this room?
Look to your left, chin up. Count the leaves on that plant for me.
one..two……threefour…five…six…seveneightnineokayalot okay there are a lot of leaves i’m fine i’ll be fine
I want you to know this is a safe space. You are safe here. You can leave.
Am I pronouncing your name correctly?
yes but it really doesn’t matter, I’ve had like eight nam——-
It does matter. Can you tell me what year it is?
And who is our president?
unfortunately, donald trump
In the past two weeks,
have you felt any of the following…?
…yes, as in, all of them?
yes and no. i don’t feel anything
Have you experienced any major life changes lately?
i got married on a cross-country roadtrip after impulsively deciding to become a minimalist and move to the west coast because I wanted a better life for my four small children.
but, like, this is nothing new.
So, it turns out, there is something wrong with my nerves.
I can’t even type that sentence without laughing out loud because, obviously, right?
But god, what a sound — my own laughter. 💕
Sometimes, when you live with pain long enough, you normalize it. And if, like me, you have been praised your entire life for your emotional resilience and creativity, you will probably, like me, try to be tougher. You might tell yourself that if you could just be a little stronger, have your shit together just a little more in life, push yourself a little harder through the pain, that you would be better.
You might feel like a failure, because you used to spend hours and hours pouring the contents of your mind into beautiful, organized art and you used to fill every day of your week with productivity and pleasure and purpose, and you were so damn good without any extra effort. Not to mention, you always looked like such a badass, but now…..?
Pour that extra cup of coffee, pull your hair back, take a breath of fresh air, you got this, you know? Maybe you should take some vitamins, or just get your ass out of bed an hour early for a walk. If you could just sleep a little earlier instead of staring at a screen, relax your mind a little more instead of worrying so much, maybe you would have enough rest to feel better. Really, why can’t you just use that brilliant mind of yours to find an outside of the box solution to all this?
I should be smarter and stronger than this, I thought, It must be all in my head.
And it was, ironically.
So, it sounds like change is pretty normal for you.
What happened recently that brought you here?
…….I spent New Year’s Eve alone.
I was afraid of the fireworks,
and I used to live for them.
I just want to feel better.
I was forced to face the repercussions of taking all the charms of a talent and never paying mind to the curses.
It was the first time anyone acknowledged that I am always in physical pain, that I am impulsive af and self-destructive, and that all of these things are related to the pins-and-needles-paralyzing panic attacks that have landed me (usually dropped off 🙄) at the emergency room too many times to count.
And there was no shame attached. No pressure to correct behaviors or attempt remedies I have already googled ten years ago and tried a million fucking times.
No, young lady you look perfectly healthy, you probably just wore yourself out cheerleading, and no well, you know if you changed your lifestyle habits, or maybe have you tried an ice pack? and not even an ounce of the speech about how women unfortunately undergo many changes throughout having babies, you are probably just depressed or maybe imagining it all in your pretty little mind bullshit.
It was the first time I think a doctor heard me. So, it was also the first time I took way I am wired seriously.
My soul has too much left to say to be unraveled by a broken circuit in my electric fucking brain. My body has too much pleasure left to feel to be numbed by nerves… tangled too tight…behind these killer eyes. My heart has too much love to give to be paralyzed by what-ifs and the fear of being hurt.
One little pill like Alice down the rabbit hole and
The rest is going to take… a little more time.
“This is my dream. I’ll decide where it goes from here.”